Contagious

Funny how a simple song affect us. As if it was written for us. It's funny how we got affected by the simple emtion that a person give to us. It's funny how that emotion eat us and make us feel too happy or too sad. There are lot of things in this world that I want to conquer. But I just dodn't have the enough courage. I felt weak with the possibilities that might disappoint me. I felt weak because I know that I'll to do this alone.

There's A Thin Line Between Friends and Strangers

"I've had enough."

          Oo kasi ayoko na. Bakit kelangan maging ganun ang mga tao? Tinitake advantage ang kabaitin mo. Buti sana kung naging mean ka sa kanila kasi hindi. Bakit ba hindi na laagalitan na in fact di ba dapat ako magng mgaing kuntento sa ginawa nila. Nakasakit na sila ng sobra hindi pa ba sapat yun? Wala lang, masyado lang akong takot para di masabi na tama na. Ayoko na, nakakasait na kayo ng sobra. Kasi sa huli ako naman lagi yung lumalabas na mali sa huli ako yung kagagalitan na in fact di ba dapat ako ung magalit sa kanila. Pero look, ako yung lumalabas na mali. Sana from the first place sinabi na nila hindi yung ako lagi ang nakakaalam. Sige magplastikan tayo hanggang sa makonsensya ka sa ginagawa mo.

The Struggle In Every Pain

"You don't how it feels to be left without any words to hear"

          Di ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon nagkakaganto pa din ako. I mean sa parehas na tao pa din. Bakit? Di ba dapat maging okay na ako ngayon? Di ba dapat lahat ngmga nakikita ko, di na ko maapektuhin. Pero bakit ganun? Bakit naiinggit ako? Na ang nasa isip ko sana ako na lang g ulit yung nasa tabi niya, yung lagi niyang kausap, ung lagi niyang kinekwentuhan. Sana ako na lang. Nakakasawa na yung gantong pakiramdam ko pero bakit di ako amtautauhan? Nakakalungkot lang kasi kada umaga siya pa din una kong naiisip. Tuwing bago siya huling iisipin ko. Tas maalala ko lahat na sana ganto pa din kami hanggang ngayon. 

    Sana matapos na 'to. Kasi pagod na pagod na ko umiyak. Wala na kong kayang iiyak pa kasi feel ko naubos ko na siya. Sana wala na yung pain. Sana wala na yung jealousy. Sana wala na yung envy. Sana makalimutan ko na yung love. Sana maging manhid na lang ako. Kasi nahihirapan na ako. Napapagod na ako. Napagod na ako magtago sa isang maskara na punong pno ng pain. Ayoko na.

Beauty and Power

          Sabi nga nila "Wala kang karapatang manlait kundi ka naman kagandahan." 

    Pero bakit? Kasi parang nilait mo na din ang sarili mo ganun? Di ba parang ang unfair. Bakit ba ganto tayo ano? Pag mataba ka, kung tignan ka nila habang nagsusukat ng damit eh kala mo nanakawin mo yung sinusukat mo. Ang sarap sabihin na "O eto pera ko! Isusupalpal ko pa sa'yo." Pag panget ka at bumibili ka ng make-up lalapitan ka pa ng sales lady at sasabihin, "Ay ma'am, mas bagy 'to sa'yo." Epal lang? Ikaw ba gagamit? Ikaw ba ang mawawalan ng pera? Hindi naman di ba? Bakit ganun? Di naman porket maganda ka na eh pwede ka na manlait at mag-reyna sa mundo. Di porket seksi ka eh pwede mo ng angasan ang ung sino mang gusto mong angasan. We're equally created naman di ba? Kaso bakit ganun? Bakit kelangan may nag-oover power? Bakit kelangan may mas superior sa'yo. Bakit kelangan physica appearance lagi. Bakit?! T*ng In*ng buhay naman yun oh. Sana malaman nilang andaming tao ang ayaw nang makipag-reach out sa ibang tao dahil sa low self esteem nila, dahil lang sa mga discrimination na nararanasan nila. Kelan ba magiging masaya ang mundo? :(

It's a Long Road

          Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon nasa pabor mo lagi ang mga manyayare. Sometimes nalilihis din siya. Alam mo yun para matutuo naman tayo kahit papano. Ewan ba, bakit ba tayo ganto ano? Di tayo natututo sa isang pagkakamali. Kelangan maubos muna tayo bago matauhan. Mahaba ang ating lalakbayin sana sa journey natin we could use the things that we learned from our past experiences. Use them to stand up and be brave enough to move on to your journey.

Lalalala

     It's been a while since my last post and right besides thinking about graduation and universities that I am planning to attend =))))), I wanna sum up every significant memory that I had this schol year. Pero right now magtatype muna ako ng magtatype K? Kasi wala pa akong maiisp eh. HAHAHAHAHA. Tuliro pa ko. Anyway gusto ko lang mag post dito kahit walang sense. Sige na nga ciao!

Looking Back

     There would be a time that we will let our heart broken.  And there would be a time when we will let our hearts love again. Because falling in love, is a continuous process of loving, heartbreaking, healing, and loving again.

     Seriously speaking, I never thought that I would be in this situation nor imagined it. But, yep! I found myself in this wonderful situation. Age doesn't really matter when you're in love. It's just a matter of knowing what to give and what not to give. Accepting each others imperfection. Trusting each other. And believing with each others sparks. It is always about enjoying what you have, dreaming what you want, and step by step achieve it. Maybe I've been through lots of hardships after the break up, but now I can say, "I'm almost over it".

     Right now, I just wanna look back on the moments when we were together. When I spent until 3 am tweeting with him or texting him. It was magical? HAHAHA. Because right now I miss doing all that stuffs. That's why all I did was reread those tweets and messages and thought of the exact feeling that I had when I read those. :). Honestly, I still love him. It doesn't really fade eh. But summing up my love for him now, ewan ko pero I know it's not enough to (if possible) be together again. Because it's just love. As in love na normal? Love na okay love na kita. Ganun na lang? I just wished for my perfect peace. Anyway, GOODNIGHT! It's 3 am na almost eh. :*

Almost

     I cried kagabi. I cried because I felt that I just have to give up. I cried because I realized that I have to move on and let go. I realized that I have to forget him. I cried because I know in myself I'm too weak to continue what am I fighting for. This maybe corny to everybody but seriously if you were in my shoe, you'll know how it feels to be like this. I don;t why am I like this. Di ko din alam bakit pa din ako umaasa. Bakit everyday kelangan isipin ko siya. Bakit everday kelangan mamiss ko siya. Ewan ko. I still felt bad when he lied to me, pero I can't feel mad at him. And it was too hard, kasi di ko siya magawa. My bestfriends were angry at him because of what he did (the lying thing) pero I kpt on telling them, "May reason siya okay. Wag nga kayo magalit." And I can feel na naiinis na sila sa kin kasi lagi kong pinagtatanggol siya. Tama naman ako di ba? Basta ayoko lang mang-blame. Because I knew meron din akong kasalanan. Right now, I'm clueless of what should I do. Tama na siguro 'to. Maybe andaming nights ako iiyak ng iiyak. Or everyday kung siyang iisip at mamimiss, but I know in God's time, mawawala din 'to. And step by step he'll my heart again.

Answers

     There would be a time in our life where in somebody will lie to us, cheat to us, back stab us, spread rumors about us, hate us, and hurt us. And strength is really needed to face them all. It's almost a month na, and I'm glad I have the answer to my question. I know the truth. Alam ko na.

     I'm not numb not to feel that he's still here here sa 'Pinas. I'm just too stupid to let myself believe in the lie he created. To allow myself from being fooled. Wala lang, ayoko lang kasi maniwala na totoo yung nararamdaman ko, yung nakikita ko. Kasi obviously when you knew that you've been lied to, magagalit ka di ba? And I don't wanna get mad at him, nor hate him. Kasi alam kong may reason. Pero, I just hope na sana sinabi na lang niya na he wants to distance himself sa akin, or distance myself to him. Na there's something wrong with me that's why he have to do it. Because lots of questions are bothering me ngayon. Na only him can answer. Although kanina supposedly, I'll be going at UP Fair, na andun "ata" siya I don't know, and I was planning to ask him if ever andun nga siya. Pero I think it's not yet time, and I assure myself I'm not ready to face him.

     Ewan ba bakit lagi na lang kelangan ako ganto. Inaantok na ko. Time check 1:19 am. Goodnight.

Patch

     "Wake up my dearest. Wake up..."

     Actually I have tons of things to say kaso whenever I'm in front of my laptop parang naeerase lahat yung gusto kong sabihin :)) Yesterday kung kami pa, is our monthsary. And wala lang, naisip ko siya. What is he doing or something. I got over na sa pagiging lonely ko about what had happened. Now I'm in the stage of reminiscing the past because I miss him a lot siguro. I dunno, pero kasi wala na kong pain, or something, siguro regrets na lang or mga panghihinayang na lang pero beside that wala na. Time heals nga naman. Oo, umaasa ako sa "someday"... pero right now, I'm too young. I stilll have lot of chances. Maybe engaging into relationships is not yet planned for me. Maybe he's not the prince that will be my forever. Pero deep inside I'm still hoping na sana one day we'll meet again and we'll be together, and he'll be "the one". Although alam kong isa lang yung wishful thinking. Okay lang yan, nangangarap lang naman ako eh. Wala namang mawawala sa akin. Siguro mga answers na lang talaga ang kelangan ko then I'll have my perfect peace na talaga. He'll be forever in my heart that's one thing for sure. Kahit na di na kami ulit mag-usap or magkita, I'll keep him safe inside my heart. Pero right now, sana magparamdam na siya. Yun lang. Anyway it is already 1:15 am and may pasok pa ako bukas. And I haven't fixed my things yet. Oh so pasaway Chatty. Goodnight >:D<

Glance

     It's been a while since my last post and today is my first blog post this love month, February. Right everybody is busy preparing for their plans on valentines day, or what to wear in prom. Busy building their courage to ask somebody out on Valentines Day or prom. And it's funny to see that there are still a lot of people who believe in the magic of love even though they have been through a lot of heartaches. That's the spirit! :)

     It's been a while also since I have my last blog post about me, or how I feel. Right now, let's just say, I'm going through a lot of hardships and funny because whenever I felt bad, or something, I took a glance on the saved messages from him that I kept. And rereading them made me feel better. Siguro kasi, I don't think about the pains that I got through with him, but instead remember how much joy I've received during those times. How he made my day with a simple message. Kasi even though our story ended like that I should be happy that I've been blessed to have him even for a short while.

My Own Agony

“Will I ever forget? Will I never sob? Will I ever love you less? Or will I just be stuck in my bittersweet yesterday?Will I ever find, a man I cannot compare to you?”

                           Do you believe in the magic of stars? That when you found that one star that made a marked on you, that star would be the person that you always think about. And when you miss that person just look at that star and you’ll feel home, and it will somehow made you feel better.  I believe in that magic, that’s what I always do whenever I miss him. And thought that maybe he’s looking at the same star I’m looking to, and think of me too. Funny because I know I’m making myself believe in an impossible dream. Right now, he’s in Japan already, I guess. Hope he’ll feel loved now that he’s with his family now. Hope he’ll find his real happiness. And I hope that he’ll feel home again, because I think that the feeling of being home makes him incomplete as a human being. You know what I mean.

                            This day is full of pretentions. Kasi kelangan ko i-hide yung totoong nararamdaman ko. Kaya kanina when I felt lonely, lumalabas ako, sat in my dad’s car and watch the stars kaso walang stars kaya nalungkot ako lalo. And then umiyak ako. Kasi I remembered the things that happen a few days back. Then pumasok sa isip ko yung sulat. Yung dapat na sulat na will change everything. Then I cried, di ko napigilan eh. In my mind sana nakuha ko na lang yun kaagad. Pero I didn’t, and that was the painful part. Whenever I thought of him, I can’t help my eyes from secreting tears. Kahapon before he go, inusulit ko yung every minute na katex ko siya, kasi alam ko hindi ko na magagawa yun sa kanya ulit. Nakakainis lang kasi nakatulog ako. Andami dami ko pang gusto ikwento sa kanya. Kamusta na kaya siya ngayon? Ano na kayang ginagawa niya? Sana di niya ko makalimutan. Ewan ko sabi ko kena Ange at Jenny, kakalimutan ko na siya pag-alis niya ng Pinas. Pero hindi ko pala kayang gawin. Kasi mas lalo ko lang siya naalala. Sana kahit papano I crossed his mind, kaso alam ko sa sarili ko di manyayare yun.

Shhhh

     He'll be leaving tomorrow. Di ko alam kung matutuwa ba kasi, makakalimutan ko siya o malulungkot ako kasi baka makalimutan ko na siya. Ayoko ng gantong feeling. Bakit ba kasi ganto eh. Pwede bang magpaka gentle muna ang buhay para sa kin? Ayoko ng ganto. Ayoko

The Last Page

"Yun pala ibig sabihin ng panaginip ko. Yun pala yun. sana nakapag-ready ako"

     Things happen for a reason. I always believe on that. That even if a bad thing happen there's a reason for that. And I always thought of that reason. Searching for the answers to the "Why's" of my life. But it got me into thinking if will I ever get the answer?

     Ayoko dumating sa point na mapupunta ako ulit sa ganitong sitwasyon. Nakakatawa kasi dati ayaw ko ng madramang post kasi wala pa naman akong experience eh, kaso ngayon meron na. Haha. Sana lahat ng sakit pwedeng idaan sa tawa. Yung bang tipo na pag-tumawa ka mawawala lahat ng sakit. Na it's a fresh start! Kaso hindi. Kasi ang tawa, ang halakhak, parang short time remedy lang. Na pag wala na babalik ulit yung sakit. Ayoko mang maalala yung kahapon, kaso di ko magawa, kasi alam ko kahit masakit ang kinahinatnan, naging masaya ako. Naramdaman ko yung love.

     When he told me to stay away, I can't help but cry. I can't drive away my tears. Kasi I know that time, it was really the end. Sabi ko "Okay, sige." Sana hinayaan na lang niya dumating yung araw na aalis na siya. Para atleast dun matatanggap kong mawawala na siya. Hindi yung ganto araw-araw dadamdamin kong kahit andito pa siya di ko na siya makakausap. Things just have to end nga sabi nila. And this is the real ending. My story doesn't have the "happy ending". But it ends with both of us setting each other free. Maybe for now, I may not understand the reason why does it have to end this way, but I know, God will give me the answer soon. My story is full of ups and downs. Full of unsaid words, but no regrets. Painful as it seems, but lessons are learned. Not because I am letting go doesn't mean I am forgetting him. Because in the corner of my heart he will always be there. Reminding me how great our God is. How fate lead me to him again. How I became the impossible me because of him. As what they said the end is just the beginning. I'll be waiting for him. And I will always love him. This is the end of my story with him.

"I' am staying away not because I want to. But because I have to. Smile my dearest. Live to the fullest. Dream higher than the sky. You'll always be my star. I love you, hoping you still love me too."

Dedicated

     It was December 2. 2011. Happiest day of my 2011 yan. Kasi nakausap na kita ulit. Hahaha. After nun lagi kong hinihiling na sana mag-text ka. Sana maging close tayo. Kasi sabi ko nun kahit yung pagiging close lang masaya na ako. Pero naging tayo. Daig ko pa talaga yung nanalo sa lotto nung naging tayo. Yung level bang happiness ko sumagad sa sagad. Parang naging Cinderealla buhay. Kasi wish granted ako. Akala ko hanggang sa wish granted lang yung Cinderella like story ko yun pala sa parang hanggang 12 midnight meron ako. Kasi wala pa atang isang linggo break na tayo. Umiyak ako, syempre, alam mo namang natural yun, ang hiniling ko na lang maging friends tayo. Na kahit gaano pa katagal mag-iintay ako. Kasi kung ang 15 months nga kinaya ko eh baka kayanin ko naman kahit libong taon pa yan. :)

     Yung totoo, di ko alam kung saan ba ko lulugar sa'yo. Kasi dati tuwing tinatry ko lumayo sa'yo ako, tinotorture ko lang yung sarili ko. Kasi di ko pala kaya. Kaya kahit nahihirapan ako, go lang ako. Kasi ganun ka kaimportante sa akin. Nung dti nalaman ko na aalis ka na sa Pinas, para akong dinaganan ng sanlibong semento kasi nawala yung pag-asa na tatagal tayo. Tas yung sa sulat mo? Yung nakalimutan ibigay na sulat mo, alam ko na yung laman nun. Haha. At nanghinayang ako ng bonggang bongga. Kasi yung sagot na hinihiling ko, dumating na pala, di ko lang nabasa. 

     Ngayon, kelangan na talagang lumayo, gusto ko sabihing ayoko pero ang selfish naman kung sarili ko lang iisipin ko. Alam mo ba kung bakit ayaw ko? Kasi natatakot ako na layuan mo na din ako. Na hindi mo na ako kausapin. Kaya kahit na ano ginagawa ko. Pero, haha, eto eh dun din pala ako hahantong. Sige. Sana sa paglayo ko di mo ko makalimutan. Na maalala mong minsan may "Chat" kang nakilala. Be happy as always ahh. Magpagaling ka ahh? Ingat ka :). I love you.

Instant

"Tama na ha. Tama na po"

     Kinakaya ko naman eh. Pero siguro kelangan tumigil na din ako. Tama na nga siguro. Kelangan ko ng lumayo. Puro sarili ko na din kasi iniisip ko di ko na iniisip yung nararamdaman niya. Haha. Alam mo ba dalawang balita ang natanggap ko ngayon? Una yung tungkol sa unang sulat. Pangalawa yung ngayon. Ganon na ba talga kadami yung kasalana ko? Ayokong manisi. Kasi alam kong may kasalanan din ako.

     Hanggang ngayon dinidibdib ko pa din yung tungkol sa sulat. Kasi ang tagal kong hinanatay makuha yung sagot na yun, pero nawala ng bula. Tapos yung ngayon. Sasabog na ata yung dibdib ko. I was hoping when I saw his text na gagaan ulit yung dinadala ko. MAgiging okaw na ulit. Hindi pala. So ano? Mangangarap na lang ako ulit. Katulad nung dati. Ganun na lang ulit siguro.

"Bakit? Bakit ka sumuko? Naghihintay pa din ako. Maging masaya ka. Salamat kaIBIGan. Salamat ng sobra."

Di Ko Lang Maiwasan

"Those words are awfully painful. And this feeling are more heavy. These tears are for too much pain in my chest."

I woke up feeling uneasy. I woke up telling myself it's just the end of your story. I woke up trying to be strong enough to face the day again, because inside me I don;t wanna wake up again. Because I knew if I wake up nothing's going to change.

Blue Finale

"Some dreams are just meant to be shattered. Some dreams are meant to come true. I was always hoping for a dream come true. But I guess, a fairytale like story isn't destined for me."

      Umalis ako di dahil ayoko na dun pero kasi napagod na ko itago yung luhang pinipigil ko. Masaya naman ako, kasi nasagot na yung bumabagabag sa akin. Pero sana pala di ko na lang inasam yun. Ambigat pala sa pakiramdam, knowing that he already gave up. Knowing that your 15 months of waiting will end up here. Pero I have nothing else to say nor to act, but to accept that fact. I thought that maybe pag nag-hintay pa ko babalik ulit yung dati hindi pala. Sana pala bumitaw na ko nung handa na ko bumitaw. Pero okay lang kasi wala naman akong nire-regret eh. Nagmahal ka, tanggapin mo yun. Dapat open sa consequences ng mga pwedeng manyare. Eto na yun. Pero gets? Ganun pa din ako khit anung manyare. Di na mababago yun.

Evermore

                                          

“Some things are left unspoken. Some things are left undone. In that way sufferings will be less. In that way it will seize the pain. And in that way, love will be preserved.”

                I was in awe of loosing you. Of someday you might forget me, and that when you leave I might just be a part of your trashed memory. And whenever I thought of it, I cried a river. Breaking up is inevitable especially at our age, pero I’m wishing na sana yung ating mag last ng matagal. Breaking-up kaya kong tanggapin yun. It’s just a matter of acceptance nga sabi nila. Pero loosing you and forgetting me wasn’t a part of my plan. Kanina nga habang nagkekwentuhan kami ni Moreen nung kumakain kami sa KFC “Tanggap ko naman yung naging ending namin eh. Kung ayun sige ayun.” –Moreen. "Pero ang empty ng pakiramdam di ba? Yung parang may kulang. Yung parang gusto mo maghanap sa kahit anung paraan maging kayo ulit, kasi parang may kulang.”- Ako.  Kasi pagbalik baliktarin mo man ang mundo, TOTOO ang sinasabi ko. Na kahit nagbreak kayo kung may pagmamahal pa diyan sa puso mo, may emptiness kang mafefeel na aftershock ba.

     Kanina I felt like giving-up na lang ito. Kasi di ko na alam kung may pag-asa pa ba sa ginagawa ko. Na kung pinagpatuloy ko ba ‘to, magiging masaya pa ba ako. Nagkwento ako kay Sir Gabby. Nanhingi ako ng advice sa kung anung gagawin ko. Sabi ko “Sir, ayoko na po...” habang pinipigil ko ang pagtulo ng luha ko. “di ko na po kasi alam kung tama pa po ba ‘tong ginagawa ko. Bumitiw na lang kaya ako po?” Sabi naman ni Sir Gabby sa akin “Huwag! Ayan ang huwag na huwag mong gagawin. Lalo na kung alam mo sa sarili mo may hindi ka pa nagagawa. Tinanong mo na ba siya? Sinabi mo na ba yan sa kanya? Hindi pa di ba? Huwag kang basta bastang bibitiw kas baka pag-sisishan mo. Yan ang pinakamasakit sa lahat. Ang i-regret ang mga hindi mo nagawa. Ang sabiin na, ‘sayang, di ko to nasabi o kaya nagawa nung may pagkakaton pa’. Huwag mong paabutin na masabi mo yun. At yun ang iyakan mo. Okay lang kung mabigo ka at iyakan mo yun, kasi okay lang yun. Normal lang yun pero ang iyakan mo ang isang bagay na hindi mo nagawa. No. Huwag kang bibitaw dahil nakakaramdam ka na ng pagod.” Natauhan naman ako sa sinabi niyang yun. Siguro nga hindi pa ‘to ang panahon para gawin ko yun. Ayoko din i-regret ang mga hindi ko ngawa. Sana I have the courage to ask. Sana...

     Letting go wasn’t really that difficult. It’s the memories that we left behind. It’s not the pain that hurt us. It's the regrets. It's the feelings that we missed. It’s the feelings that we wished to have again.

“I won’t let go. I won’t give up. Life is full of absurdity. I will hold on. And I will always wait for you.”

Walang Hanggang

          Hindi masusukat ang pagmamahal sa dalas ng inyong pag-sasama. O kaya sa lapit niyo sa isa't isa. Kundi, nasusukat iyon sa layo ng distansya niyo pero nagmamahalan pa din kayo. Kasi di naman yun yung importante eh. Ang importante ay yung TIWALA. Tiwala na kahit di man kayo madalas magkita, alam mong ikaw pa din ang laman ng isip niya. Tiwala na kahit di kayo madalas nag-kakausap, ikaw pa din yung hahanap-hanapin niya para pagsabihan niya ng mga masasayang nanyare at mga di kanais-nais na nanyare sa kanya. Kasi malalaman mo lang na nagmamahal ka ng totoo kung sa kahit anung paraan pa yan, nakakayang mong magmahal. Nakakaya mong kumapit kahit nasasaktan ka na. Nakakaya mong magbigay at magparaya kahit maPride ka. Nakakaya mong gawin ang akala mong impossible para lang sa kanya. At kaya mong mag-antay ng kahit gaano pa yang katagal para lang sa kanya. Kasi may TIWALA ka.

           "It doesn't matter how much time it would take. I promise you, my door will always be open. Because you captured my heart, and never set it free.

Impecable Moment

"We do hold our own destiny. And create our own fate. Its just a matter of a perfect time"

          Kanina as I was writting in my journal, I think, a lesson came in to my mind and made me realize that, na I have to lose the grip on what I am hoping for now. I mean kelangan ko ng bumitaw sa pag-asa kong magiging kami ulit ngayon. Not because ayoko na at sumusuko na ko, but because ayokong ipilit ang mga bagay kasi baka mas lalong mawala sa akin. I still love him that is inevitable. That wouldn't change. He'll always be in my heart. I just have to be contented on this kind of relationship. This type of relationship na we don't have have to prioritize each other kasi KAMI. Gusto ko kung ano yung love na pinakita ko at shinare namin nung kami, the sweet moments yung ganun mapreserved yun. Ayokong mareplace siya ng hate, ng regrets, o kaya ng pain. Kasi gusto ko if "kung saka-sakiling meron pa, at magiging kami ulit", I want it to happen in the right time, in a perfect moment. And there I'll know na siya na talaga. Maybe I just have to focus on other things. Lalo na in my future. Not because I don't love him anymore and I want to forget him but because I want to give ourselves a time for our own.

          Now, kahit tears are still in my eyes overflowing everynight [haha.exage kasi] okay lang kasi somehow I found peace in this decision I made. And I trust him naman. And if ever there's no chance for the "US", ang liar kung sasabihin kong "okay lang" all I can say is, "Kakayanin ko." Kasi alam kong mahirap maging masaya para sa iba. I know I maybe too young for this, pero that's the reality. At kasi nag-mahal din naman ako ng lubos. :)

          Ewan ko. Pero kasi ganto talaga ang buhay. Di lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo. Minsan may kelangang mawala sa'yo na importante para matuto ka sa buhay.

"Because I have to stay firm. Maybe not for my own sake but for yours. Not for my happiness but for yours. Because I love that big. And even though fate and destiny wouldn't give me a chance to be with you, I will love you still."

Gone Dry

"I woke-up having the thoughts of you, but I have to tell myself that I have to stop dreaming"

Giving up doesn't mean you fell out of love. It just means that you are strong enough and had the courage to let go of the things that you wanted the most. It's not about being weak, it's being able to learn the words "setting free".

Lagi kong sinasabi sa seatmate ko and close friend ko na "I'm moving on na nga". Pero di ko pa din siya ginagawa. Haha. Simple lang naman ung rason ko eh, ayoko pa. Ayoko pa kasi, hindi dahil yun sa itsura niya na habulin ( haha) hindi dahil yun sa naging kame at kulang pa yung araw na pagiging kame dahil yun sa 15 buwan ko na pagmamahal sa kanya. For 15 months I've been LOVING him. At yun yung pinaka mahirap I let go. Madaling tanggapin na "Break na Kayo". Ang mahirap lang talaga tanggapin ay "Break na kayo, susuko ka na?" I think I've done everything I could to put things back on the way it was.  Kaya maybe, somehow, part of me is telling me na you can set him free na.

Last night tinanong niya ko kung mahal ko pa daw ba siya. Syempre sinabi ko, "Tinatanong pa ba yun?". Pero di siya nakuntento sa sagot kung yun kaya sinabi kong "Oo.". Kasi yun naman yung totoo. Di naman kasi nawawala yun eh. Kanina may falling star, nakalimutan ko mag-wish. Pero kung saka-sakaling makapag-wish ako ang i-wiWish ko ay sana I can find the answers that I needed with this verging feelings. Yun lang.

"I know, we'll meet at the equinox, just step forward. I'll wait for you there"

Desire for Veracity

          For CLARIFICATION, I'm still HOPING for the "us". Even though parang ang labo niya. But still I can't just tamper it ng "Ayoko na sa kanya" feeling di ba? It's just, all I want is the veracity of feelings. Of desire. Of actions. Yun lang. I'm in the middle of "What to feel?"

           Funny, kasi tuwing may na-cucrushan ako I swept the picture of the guy inmy mind and replaced it by his image kasi feeling ko ang taksil ko. Wala lang. Parang my mind is telling me "Oyy, tama na. Palitan mo na yan." while my heart is contradicting na "Wag kang epal. Di pa ko ready. Gusto ko pa din siya". Pero in that things napatanong ako sa sarili ko, "Hanggang kelan ako aasa na pwede ibalik yung dati? Na hanggang kelan ako mangangapa sa tuwing kausap ko siya kung ano yung estado namin." Kasi yung totoo? Naguguluhan ako sa takbo ng relationship namin na di ko maidentify. Pero still di pa rin siya narereplaced yung ang importante. Kahit makahanap pa siya ng iba, magka-GF siya, okay lang ang umiyak ako ang maalaga wala akong pinagsisisihan. Masaya naman siya. Di ba?

"I reread and reread the messages we had back then, and it brought back all the sweet moments, and for a second I felt, we're together again."

Shattered Hopes

"Ayokong isiping mawawala ka, kasi andito ka lang naman eh. Wag ka lang lumayo. Maghihintay naman ako eh"

          After this night, I don;t know what will happen next. Ewan ko, parang kanina lang di na ko mapakali na mag-online kasi baka online siya. Pero look at me now, lugmok nanaman. Yung totoo, naguguluhan ako. Kasi nangangapa ako. Minsan parang kami ulit, tas biglang, parang limot na. Naguguluhn ako. Di ko alam kung pano ko mag-rereact kasi baka pag naglambing ako, di ko makuha yung lambing na yun. Kasi di ko alam kung may something pa din. Tapos ngayon AYOKONG MAWALA SIYA ULIT. Kasi kung ngayon pa nga lang nagugulantang na mundo ko pag nag-aaway kami, pano pa kaya kung mawala siya ulit? :(

"Because in my heart, I locked you in jail to keep you forever"

No Wounds Can't Be Heal byTime

"As I gasp the thin air, as I walked to the darkest road, as I hold on to the brittle rope, I still hope that there you'll be to save me"

          It's January 2, 2012 already and yes, may pasok na bukas!!!!!! I still want to sleep for hours or tweet and surf the net for a day, but unfortunately kelangan na ulit maging estudyante. As my days go by, though it's really hard, I'm trying my best to appeal to this verging emotions that made me cry every night. Bakit? Eh kasi feel ko nman nalagpasan niya na 'to matagal na eh, ako na lang ang hindi. Ako na lang yung na-stuck sa situation na to. Wala namang madali sa mundo eh, kaya malamang sa malamang mahirap. Hayy Chat, maging masaya ka para sa kanya.

Untitled

          Kasi wala akong maiisip na title eh. Bakit ba! Ang gusto ko lang naman ngayon ay masabi kong anung nararamadaman ko. Yung totoo? Ang empty ng araw ko. Di ko alam kung bakit, pero malamang kasi namimiss ko lang siya. Bakit ba kasi ang hirap hirap niyang kalimutan. I men ang hirap tanggapin na friends na lang. Bumabalik-balik tuloy sa isipan ko yung mga sinabi sa akin ni Jenny. Wala lang, tas naiyak ako kanina habang nagbabasa ako ng mga saved messages galing sa kanya. Sana pwede akong pumunta sa araw at oras na iyon no? Wala lang. Pero so far, masaya naman ang araw ko, kulang nga lang, pero masya. Paulit-ulit? Kung ayaw niyo yung kadramahan ko, jusme wag niyo basahin ang blog posts ko. HAHAHAHA. Di naman ako nagpapaimpress eh. HAHAHAHA. Sige na. Ciao!

Whim

          How can you say that you love somebody? That it is not just a simple crush, puppy love, or infatuation. That it is real. How can you forget someone, when all you think about is him/her? When all your heart beats for is their name. 

          Di naman masama ang magmahal. O kaya ang umasa. Basta ang mahalaga, maging handa ka sa pwede nito maging kalalabasan. Di din naman masama ang magpakatanga kung alam mo naman dun mo siya napapaligaya at dun ka din lumiligaya. Kasi lahat naman ng taong nagmamahal nagpapakatanga. Hindi naman ibig sabihin ng pagpapakatanga mo eh niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo. Ibig sabihin lang nun handa ka magparaya sa kahit anung paraan. Handa mong ibaba ang pride mo. Kasi nga mahal mo.

          Minsan may pagkakataon na akala mo eto na yun. Okay na, kaso dahil sa isang mali, nawala nanaman. Minsan naman akala mo wala ng pag-asa pero yun pala meron pa. Madalas hinihiling ko andun ako sa pangalawang sitwasyon. Dun sa akala mo wala na pero meron pa pala. Kasi ako yung taong kahit ano pa ang maramdaman kong hirap basta sa huli wala akong pag-sisisihan. Pero sabi nila tama na daw. Wag na daw pilitin pa. Di ko lam, pero siguro nga kelangan ko na ding gawin yun. Di naman dahil sumusuko na ko. Kundi dahil, kelangan ko na mag-tira para sa sarili ko. Masaya naman ako eh, mas masaya nga lang nung dati. Happy new year!

"It was perfect. Almost perfect. I felt like I'm one of those princesses who had their prince with them. But you see, a strange thing woke me up and then I say it's just a dream"